she said there’d be moaning

a grief ago, i decided that it would be best to braid myself with a sort of unconnected, and consequently isolated, sensation of detachment from people, places, things. basically all nouns, perhaps even some verbs. an eastern perfect emptiness. the cosmic voice of alan watts soothing me back to sedation. it was more suited to my personality type to become this way. maybe i was too feral. i’ve been told that i was a very willful child. i still am.

here lies a tired blahblahblah.


again and again, life has demonstrated its necessity to be chaotic for me, for everyone. everyones life is a saga, just ask them. i devour any calm i can to collect myself in. my favorite is the silence of nighttime.

i do not find anything mystical in chaos. i do not believe there is a reason for events or things. perhaps in the past i did, but i no longer do. there are too many senseless and horrifying occurrences in the world to convince me otherwise. and if someday i’m proven wrong by being guided to the static pool that all supposed ghosts, gods, and monsters use to peer into the human world and decide what happens… well, i guess some of you will still be here wondering if i was right, even tho i was wrong.

i have these objectives that are burning to get done in 2017. i want to toss together a poetry and prose book of my work for my kids. i think i’ll put it up at smashwords for free afterword. poetry and prose are not my deepest urges. they keep me afloat. they’re a raft i need to keep from sinking into the depression which sets in when i am being idle and not creating. sometimes i can let go, cage myself, sink or swim, but i end up snapping out. i end up being willful all over again. i can’t be alan watts. i can’t be the smoke on a mountain or the water in the cup, becoming the cup. not yet.

my urge is to finish one of those many half-written novels i’ve got laying around begging to be out of my imagination. stories my heart’s told a hundred times, just waiting to finish leaping out of me. my problem is i want them all done in a day. i want to sit for hours and hours and feel complete with hard work.  i want to work until my eyes are dry and my face is hot with insomnia and weariness. yet, i can’t. not yet.

with a big move coming up, twins i must be 100% for, and life… this evades me nearly every day. i chip away slowly at what i want to get done, so slowly in fact that the consequence is that sometimes i forget what i’m creating. but it feels so, so good when i remember that it’s worth the wait. sometimes. and it’s worth not giving up. it’s worth not being perfectly empty. not yet.

it’s gotten to the point that the merest interruption is the largest obstacle to me. even fills me with rage. my poor husband innocently eating ice cream and watching a movie, headphones even out of courtesy, the sound of his spoon is distracting. heating my food even seems to take too long. but what the fuck else is there to do? my moments are falling through and tugged this way and that. and when i’m free in that silence, finally, i am exhausted. not always, but mostly. and i have to give in again to the fact that i have to wait longer until what i want done, what i need done, can be done.

i wear earplugs more often than i used to. i’m on a time limit. it might sound melancholic, but i need to finish these things before i have a brain bleed or brain surgery. two things “they” say are in the future and not likely soon, but when have “they” ever been right, and when have i ever trusted them? i am that afraid that i won’t be me anymore after either of those. or that i won’t be here. and i need these things done for my kids. the only evidence that i have that here will be here when i’m not, is that i’m here after others aren’t.

tonight, i’m finishing editing a chapter of my book even if it isn’t perfect. perfecting a book comes with editing; when it’s finished. one of my few aforementioned half-written frankenstein-orphans will come to life this year instead of just be pieces and parts. i also have a prose i’ve written and half a poem. sudden denouement will get the prose. that hive of great minds and wordsmiths. and i want that poem done this weekend with some wine.

wish me luck.

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15 comments

  1. Sam–
    Wishing you luck and light and that you stay fiercely you.
    Rumor has it that I am a decent proofreader and editor if you would like to have a fresh set of eyes take a look at one of those books.
    ❤ Christine

    1. oh yes, i will take you up on that when the time comes!

  2. I wish you Godspeed, brave warrior

    1. Thanks. I need it. Not enough time in the day for all the things I’d love to get done.

      1. Kids are time vampires

  3. You’ve said a lot here.
    I like the Gaiman quote. My father used to say, “Heaven is being left alone with your own thoughts, forever. Hell is the same thing.” I think about that a lot because I, like you, have an unruptured brain aneurysm. I had a surgery six months ago; the jury is still out on whether or not it was a success. Time will tell. I’d be full of shit if I said I didn’t have some of same fears you do. Other times I find it liberating. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about your condition. It’s a help to me. Keep writing.

    1. I like that quote, too. Thoughts easily turn on themselves. Mine often do.
      Well, looks like you’re my new UA friend then (I used a fancy acronym.) I don’t know anyone else with one. I know exactly what you mean about liberating. I vacillate between “can’t cheat death” and “not today” weekly. Sometimes hourly. And I think the moment I stop cringing is when I won’t be ready. But, do I need to be? Spoiler alert, everyone on earth goes someday.
      I just need these few things done, you know?

      1. Yeah, I do. And for me, they’re the same few things I’ve needed done for years. But now I HAVE to do ’em. 🙂 I’ve been trying to do the whole “pretend I’m already dead and nothing can scare me” routine. Works okay most of the time. Funny thing is, of all the things I thought might get me, this wasn’t one, and maybe it won’t be. But it was a relief to come across someone with the same condition. And an intelligent person, at that.

      2. Oh, this was the last thing I would have ever expected to have either. It’s like waiting in line for a stage performance that might never happen. It’s like saying you’re on-call, but you may not even get called. And the surgery? Worse. But not worse than what could happen before. The big, fat IF.

        The only thing I enjoy about myself is the same thing that I hate, my brain. And yeah, now we have to do these things we thought we could ruminate with. Sometimes I think it ultimately “doesn’t matter” but weepy me wants my kids to know me, at least through what I create. Aside from just creating them. Even if I live to 100 with this. It’s all just in case.

        This is another reason I don’t believe in things meant to be. No way.

      3. Agreed on all counts. When people say to me, “Everything happens for a reason” I want to say, “That’s not true. You’re still here. No reason for that.” 🙂 But instead, I say, sometimes bad things happen, and if we’re lucky and strong, we can make something good out of the situation. It’s worth a try. Even just that will set a great example for your kids.

      4. there are much worse things that happen to people, children, even the world. and for people to say that those things happen for a reason shows me that they might be ignorant to those. they should probably read more crime reports. read more world news.
        the kids are probably the one thing that keeps me away from being alan watts. lol. that and it’s just not in my nature all the time to be calm and acceptance and passive. he wasn’t either, awful example. maybe a monk. i’m no monk.

      5. I understand. Many years ago, I gave Buddhism a try. It made sense to me intellectually. It didn’t fit culturally or personally. I felt that it was throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I need my aggressive side. Gets things done. (Said he, who has written nothing in ten days).
        I hope you achieve your goals. I sincerely enjoy reading your writing, and I’m sure many others will as well. You have something special going on that should be shared.

      6. Exactly. Buddhism is a wonderful concept that I wish I had the time and sense to devote to, but my ancestors were all heathens and wildlings. Lol. My blood just can’t let it be.

        I think the same of you. And don’t worry… I hardly get things done, but I sure know how to get them done.

  4. I think you put in to words, very beautifully, what a lot of writers struggle with. I too tell myself the wait will be worth it. I just hope one day I’ll actually be able to believe it.

    1. Thank you. I hope so too. Most of the time it is. I remember a quote form natural born killers.

      “The moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers.”

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