currently working on:

  • self-publishing my poetry book; dancing around with different designs, sparring with words that want to, need to be said, all tangled up with an impatience to have it mystically accomplished in under an (unrealistic) hour. this is largely for my daughters. as i’ve mentioned, it’s an epitaph in the event that my medical condition goes south quicker than what is expected. it isn’t expected to, but in my life the unexpected has been in the front lines. my life’s an infantry.
  • another horror short story for an indie publishing company. (i’ll post an excerpt eventually.)
  • considering posting the rest of ‘the horseman’ as one large post rather than continuing the ‘series’ style of post.
  • more poems, of course.
  • believing in something other than fatigue & pain.

i’ve been so isolated for a very, very long time that i sometimes stumble on my words in public and for this end up avoiding speaking. i deliberately go in public, but avoid people, because i love being outside. i live in a very interesting area with access to a lot of history and oddities; if you haven’t noticed, i’m into that.

i have been inwardly and outwardly cringing for so long though, and for so many reasons that have piled on my shoulders, making me feel like atlas, that i’m finding it difficult to finally relax now that i can and the world’s off my watch. i’ve had burdens and depression, anxiety, too long to just forget them and think they’re like smoke, just dissipating. i know better than that. the mind leaves leaves marks on itself, like falling asleep on a crease of your pillow. the dent takes time to soften.

i am true introvert and INFJ. this reminds me that i need to refresh my studies of carl jung. he had the same personality type as me, supposedly, and i fell in love with his work many years ago. introversion has nothing to do with being shy. it has to do with your reaction to stimulation. i am very easily overstimulated by loud noise, bright lights, too many people (or is that just my migraines?) — too much to focus on. i want to absorb things too readily. i think it’s because i like to pay close attention to things, one at a time, and end up doing so all at once. i’ve also read that introverts brains tend to pick up on all stimulation as animate (something to pay attention to.) rather than inanimate (looked over.), and therefore they hardly are letting their brain rest. my brain/mind seems to never rest. i wasn’t always like this.

not to mention i have two beautiful demons who need my energy as well.

speak of the devil …

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7 comments

  1. I think we may have been separated at birth. There’s no other logical explanation. I wish I could give you some advice, but that could only make things worse. πŸ™‚ So instead, best of luck. Your hard work will surely pay off.

    1. Same tribe you and I.
      And don’t worry, advice is individual anyway. I end up always having to experience or come to my own conclusions myself. After WAY OVER ANALYZING. Lol.

  2. Wow so much going on. I get the same way when I isolate myself away to write or just regain my energy. The whole thing in public thing is so relatable. Be kind to yourself

    1. i feel like such a weirdo about it, but in the end hardly care for other peoples opinions of me. i think i feel more like a weirdo -to myself-
      i’m glad i’m not the only one. ❀

      1. That’s it is think most of us feel like weirdos at times. You and me are just honest enough to acknowledge how we feel. I don’t think there is anything writing spending time with myself- so long as I don’t leave it too long ha ha. Oh moderation where are you? 😁 x

      2. a lot of people thrive on chaos and commotion, they’re invigorated by it and excited. i was in NYC on the weekend and saw it being enjoyed everywhere, all around me. i hadn’t been there in a while. i explored the prospect of enjoying it by approaching it in a way an anthropologist might. not too bad, but i like leaving the city behind. reading, writing, peace and quiet. so same with me, being alone is freakin awesome.

  3. […] easier to get it all out, lately it’s hard for me to talk about anything. but hey, remember how i’ve mentioned that i was working on another short horror story for an indie anthology? finished and submitted. […]

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